Drippings from the stale sponge
Me I I me I me me me
I I I
I I me me me I mine myself
me mine I I I me
me me me me
I me mine
I I I mine?
me I I
myself me I I I
me
I I I I me
me mine I I me me me I me I
mine
myself I
I me me mine me I
I mine me me
I mine I I I I
me me
mine I I I me I I
Dr. Squancy's Bi-Quarterly Health Advice Collumn
How to Test Your Spleen for Colonoscopal Encephalitis
1.
Roll your epidermal front-carriage from betwixt your scapula and
patella to your labial fissure
2.
Gently ossify your cataracts, whilst checking for any crustaceans
3. Firmly remove your sciatic nerve with a pair of hemostatic forceps
4.
Tenderize your pudenda and duodenum, until the rectal epiglottis is
sufficiently dilated
5.
Tell your wife that you love her and commence Salpingo-oopherectomy
ERSATZ POLITICAL DISCUSSION
See now here's how it is. Ya'll can't tax the 1%, cause when them babies come out they momma's cooters, they's already people, ya hear? I heard a doctor tellin' me that that soon as them little sperms get to that egg, there's already a fully formed little human in there. I bet them little sperms are already people - tiny little people, hiding out in there.
I agree, sir. This is why we must consolidate and privatize our holdings overseas - because gay people want to take rich people's money and put it in their butts. Mark my word, if Obama is reelected, we will have gays walking our streets with ill-gotten corporate money in their butts.
I agree, sir. This is why we must consolidate and privatize our holdings overseas - because gay people want to take rich people's money and put it in their butts. Mark my word, if Obama is reelected, we will have gays walking our streets with ill-gotten corporate money in their butts.
YOUR ERSATZ ACADEMIC PROFILE
Rebus Johansson is interested in something really complicated and pretentious sounding that seems like no human being could possibly be interested in on any meaningful level. It probably includes the words "intersectionality" and "boundary". S/he is fascinated by the way that bodies move through space, and how colloidal functions integrate cross-sections of desire. Queerness. S/he is the author of the award-winning paper "(Re)structuring our heterogeneity: Toward a (post)feminist theory of integration". H/er/is upcoming book, "Restraining the Other: Toward a (Post)Althusserian vision of selfhood" will be arriving from Simon and Schonberg in 2099.
GIVE ME THE GUN: A SHORT PLAY
Give Me
The Gun
A man and woman are sitting on a
couch. They make pleasant, boring
conversation until a man runs on stage holding a gun.
Man: What the f-
Gunman: Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground!
Man and Woman, visibly shaken up, get down on their knees.
Gunman (waving his gun at
the couple): Alright! Just
listen to me and no one gets hurt! Okay! Nobody's gonna get hurt if
you just give me the gun!
A short silence.
Man: But -
Gunman: Just give me the gun! Hand over the gun and nobody's gonna
get hurt!
Woman: But -
Gunman: It's not that hard, people!
Just give me the gun and
everybody's gonna be okay!
The man and woman look at each other.
Man: But...you have the
gun. We don't have any gun.
Gunman (getting crazier):
Just shut up! Everybody shut up and listen to me! All you have to do
is hand over the gun and nobody gets hurt. Everything is gonna be
okay if you just do what I say!
Another period of silence. The gunman keeps shakily pointing the
gun at the couple.
Gunman (yelling crazily):
I said just hand over the gun!
Woman: Honey, just give him the gun!
Man (shocked):
What the hell are you talking about? I -
Gunman: JUST GIVE ME THE -
The gun goes off, still pointing at the couple, but the gunman
falls over dead. The couple look at each other.
END
A NOTE FROM YOUR SUPEREGO
Hey Chris,
this is just your superego. So, like, isn't there something better you could be doing right now? I know you just wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica tonight, but weren't you a little on the fence about whether that show was too nerdy for you anyway? I mean, what would everybody say if they found out you watched it, right? Cybots or whatever? Come on dude. You're not really the kind of person that likes that stuff, are you? I don't know. Just something to consider. Instead of sitting around and watching TV you could go for a run. That would be a really great use of your time. You're probably really out of shape by now. You haven't been getting too much exercise since you graduated college and aren't on a soccer team anymore. Actually, speaking of college - aren't you like a hundred bajillion dollars in student loan debt? Shouldn't you be finding some kind of way to make money right now? That would be a great way to spend your time. You could be an online entrepreneur or something. You know, if you could just put a little effort forth, you could do something like that. Don't just sit around and do nothing! God!
Gee, I'm getting really worked up, Chris...
You know, you are really kind of a pathetic loser. You sit and stare at a computer for like 8 hours a day at your job, and then when you get home you just stare at a TV screen. What a lazy bastard. And do you even really have any friends anymore? I mean, yeah, there are people you hang out with occasionally, but can you really call any of them your "friends"? You're probably going to still be alone, doing the same shit you're doing now in 20 years, except for the obliterating suicidal misery that will be rending your life to pieces. Your social life is just not like it used to be back in college, when you used to run with Tony and James and all those guys...oh well. Man, you were really happy when you were a little kid. You'll probably never be that happy again.
Thanks,
your superego
PS
I don't mean to pester you, but it is kind of my job. Sometimes I can overstep my bounds a little, but it's for your own good, right?
this is just your superego. So, like, isn't there something better you could be doing right now? I know you just wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica tonight, but weren't you a little on the fence about whether that show was too nerdy for you anyway? I mean, what would everybody say if they found out you watched it, right? Cybots or whatever? Come on dude. You're not really the kind of person that likes that stuff, are you? I don't know. Just something to consider. Instead of sitting around and watching TV you could go for a run. That would be a really great use of your time. You're probably really out of shape by now. You haven't been getting too much exercise since you graduated college and aren't on a soccer team anymore. Actually, speaking of college - aren't you like a hundred bajillion dollars in student loan debt? Shouldn't you be finding some kind of way to make money right now? That would be a great way to spend your time. You could be an online entrepreneur or something. You know, if you could just put a little effort forth, you could do something like that. Don't just sit around and do nothing! God!
Gee, I'm getting really worked up, Chris...
You know, you are really kind of a pathetic loser. You sit and stare at a computer for like 8 hours a day at your job, and then when you get home you just stare at a TV screen. What a lazy bastard. And do you even really have any friends anymore? I mean, yeah, there are people you hang out with occasionally, but can you really call any of them your "friends"? You're probably going to still be alone, doing the same shit you're doing now in 20 years, except for the obliterating suicidal misery that will be rending your life to pieces. Your social life is just not like it used to be back in college, when you used to run with Tony and James and all those guys...oh well. Man, you were really happy when you were a little kid. You'll probably never be that happy again.
Thanks,
your superego
PS
I don't mean to pester you, but it is kind of my job. Sometimes I can overstep my bounds a little, but it's for your own good, right?
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